FRIDAY - 4:00 PM
Warning: may trigger some fans of loser teams.
Six weeks of the 2022 NFL season have already happened, and it’s been some of the most wonderfully pathetic, gloriously uninspired football we have ever seen.
In fake journalism school we learn about the “Four Lines” of sports writing: storylines, headlines, bottom lines, and hairlines (fractures AND follicles). However, sometimes it is important to look past all the fun stories and catastrophic injuries to take a deeper dive into what really puts us to sleep. What are the teams that are doing nothing in a most spectacular way? What organizations are spending billions, only to have fans say:
“Oh, yeah, forgot about [Team Name], are they good?”
No, hapless fan, they’re not good. But then again, how would we know? So, here are 5 NFL teams we couldn’t care less about:
5. Tennessee Titans
Alright, we can already hear what our more astute readers will be saying:
“Wait, didn’t the Titans have the number one seed in the AFC last year?”
Yes. They did, which is exactly my point. If you have to audibly say “huh” every time someone mentions your team’s most significant accomplishment in years, you’re a boring team. Derrick Henry might be part of the problem here. It's not exactly exciting to watch a run when you know he will get 6 yards every single freaking time. The predictability rivals that of grandmas everywhere and their ability to tell that same story the exact same way every time.
Also, "Tennessee Titans" sounds way too much like "Teen Titans", and we all know how forgettable DC movies are these days...
4. Minnesota Vikings
What are Vikings known for? Pillaging towns? Plundering villages? Pilfering hamlets?
Totally. Vikings are awesome. But do you know who hasn’t done any pillaging, plundering, or pilfering?
That's right, the Minnesota Vikings.
Might as well call them the “Minnesota Bikings-with-your-mom”… because they're slow and boring and no one wants to be there. How embarrassing is it that a team with cheese as its mascot consistently dominates a division with a darn team of vicious marauders? Listen Vikings fans... Call me when Rodgers finally retires and you have a QB who doesn’t look like the guy who leads my pottery class.
3. Houston Texans
We know this isn't the most original answer, but there are 2.3 million people in Houston who think that other people care about their team. This part is for them. Normal people can skip to number 2.
Look, [Fan Name] in Houston; the most interesting thing about your team is that you traded a generational QB talent after wasting five years of his career, and that might somehow end up being a good thing. We would think of other things about your team to make fun of, but we legitimately don't know anything about them. At least in past years, we could keep an eye on Houston to see what kind of minority group Bill O'Brian was degrading at the podium, now we don't even have that.
Boom. Roasted.
2. Washington Commanders
Too much Wash, not enough Command?
Being a team who has had three different team names in five years is a perfect recipe for complete anonymity on the national stage. Daniel Snyder is doing his best to keep his team in the news cycle, but even he can't save this sinking boat. It also doesn't help that people have to say:
"Now remind me again, is that Washington State, or D.C.?"
Your city isn't even in a real state, just a little area to contain the President. Well next time you are strolling past the White House you can at least take solace in the fact that Carson Wentz is not the riskiest person in your organization (yes, that is another Daniel Snyder joke).
1. TIE: Dallas Cowboys / Indianapolis Colts
You probably have that one event on Sunday nights that you always use football as an excuse to get out of. Well it's time to make-up a different excuse for week 13, because ain’t no way is your wife going to let Colts at Cowboys get in between you and playing Bunco with the in-laws. No one (and we mean NO ONE) is excited for this game, not even Cowboys fans.
Dallas had their run with Cooper Rush, but the excitement is over, disappointment Dak is back.
Let's not forget to forget about the Colts either. At this point, they've seen more washed-up QBs than a locker room mirror. When your best player is a *checks notes* left-guard?... you know you have a problem. We even tried looking up Darius Leonard the other day and couldn't find him, since he apparently changed his name. It's like the whole team is desperately trying to get out of the spotlight.
Fine by us, you can stay in the spotlight if you want. See if we care (spoilers, we don't).