SUNDAY - 7:00 PM
As the NFL season nears its close, all football watchers begin to turn their gaze to the Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, who recently has a trend of adding drama to the off-season.
Recently, during an interview on the Pat McAfee show, Rodgers detailed his plans on how he would come to a decision about playing another season.
“Well you see, I have got this half-baked plan that I scratched on a napkin last night,” Rodgers started with a crazed look on his face, “My girlfriend, who happens to also be dating a helicopter pilot, is going to fly me to an island in the Caribbean. Then I will take all my clothes off and burn them in a ceremonial fire that I will start with whiskey and a cigar.
“After burying my body in the sand, I will allow the crabs to pinch my skin until I am put in a state of shock which could last for several days. After that I will heal myself in the waterfalls on the island and rub myself down with hallucinogenic soap that I will make from scratch. Then I will eat nothing but tree bark until the 3rd full-moon appears and I am rescued by a passing fishing trolly.”
Rodgers refused to take any follow up questions but closed with this: “After that whole process, my mind will be finally clear. This will help me decide if I want to lose in the playoffs again next year.”
This will not be the first off-season drama for Rodgers. First in 2021, reports emerged that Rodgers had chosen not to get “The Fauci Ouchie” ™, but still claimed to have been “immunized”. Detractors claimed it was sort of like telling your mom that you ate all your dinner, but the “Dinner” was actually the Taco Bell that you had an hour earlier.
Then in 2022 there was additional drama as Rodgers mulled retirement. No one knew if he was going to play again, not even himself. But eventually he decided to come back for another season, mostly because he just really enjoys tutoring rookie wide receivers.
If Rodgers does retire, it’s rumored that he will want a job in the Chicago Bears’ front office, on the basis that he already owns the team.