WEDNESDAY - 11:30am
With Major League Baseball’s new “pitch clock” speeding up games and having an unequivocally positive impact on the sport (citation needed), it’s got us at the ‘Elaborated thinking: Why don’t we do this everywhere?
Since it’s obvious we need to implement the pitch clock concept elsewhere in society, and totally no way that could ever go poorly, here are seven things that we believe could definitely use a pitch clock:
1. Pitching Wedge
“Dude, it’s like 27 feet to the green, just hit the ball already.”
2. Winter
People have been calling for this one for years, it’s time we give the people what they want. While everyone can admit winter is a crucial element of the seasons, today’s viewers simply don’t want to wait 3 months in the cold. Checkmate, Punxsutawney Phil.
3. Bi-weekly Staff Meetings
Everyone knows Margaret from HR does NOT need 30 minutes for her presentation. This is a rules loophole that has been ignored and taken advantage of around the corporate minor leagues for decades. From now on, if that clock hits 00:00, I’m walking back to the break room for my second Snickers of the day.
4. Politicians
"You couldn’t vote on a bill after 12 hours of deliberation? Back to the bullpen you go. "
5. Chatty Hair Stylists
"We don’t care that your neighbor’s 14th cat has cancer, Jill."
6. Your Five-Year-old at the Ice Cream Store
"There are only 7 flavors, and I know you hate 5 of them! (and no, you can't put syrup on your waffle cone)"
7. Those House Guests that Should Have Left an Hour Ago
Is your wife giving you the I-love-them-but-I-wish-they-would-just-leave-already look? Is your uncle's best friend's roommate still talking about his cuttlefish tagging trip in Antigua? That's a violation! Just grab your ubest umpire vest, give it your best deep-squat and point, and send those Chatty-Cathys packing.