THURSDAY - 3:00 PM
The initial reports that sports broadcasting icon Al Michaels was found unconscious in his home Thursday morning have now been confirmed. The doctors at the hospital have determined that the incident was caused by Michaels consuming a few pieces of lettuce.
In an interview last year on the Pat McAfee show, Michaels alluded to the fact that he had “never knowingly eaten a vegetable”. Remarkably, doctors now agree that this appeared to be true and his body had likely developed a severe intolerance to vegetables. Simply physical contact with a leafy green could produce a reaction.
A reporter was able to catch up with Michaels at his home to discuss while he was recovering from the incident. When asked how it happened, Al had this to say:
“Well you see, my pitbull, Burfict, had some health issues so the vet put him on a strict diet. He is accustomed to eating boar meat and whiskey all day so this was a hard change for him. I decided to help him out and eat a couple slices of lettuce in solidarity with my poor pup. Alas, my stomach ain’t what it used to be. When I was younger I could at least look at vegetables without getting ill, while these days I make my wife hide her carrots in the nightstand.”
“I’m not worried about this happening again,” Al said between eating fistfulls of bacon, “I am really going to watch what I eat moving forward. I had my assistant make some “carnivore revenge tour” t-shirts and I may even start a Youtube channel. I know I need to think more about my health and future, so that journey starts with 32 ounce sirloin for me.”
When questioned about his life long meat-centric lifestyle, Michaels spoke with authority, as he does on most issues, “My Mother always said: If it ain't cooked in its own fat, it ain’t worth my time. She was mostly referring to squirrels in the backwoods of New York, but I quickly acquired a taste for more than rodents.”
ESPN is reportedly interested in acquiring the rights to the “carnivore revenge tour” but Michaels has turned down all offers to-date, citing “no one knows meat like I do”.