TUESDAY - 9:00 AM
Turkey Day is finally upon us like pilgrims on a rock. We at the ‘Elaborated are catching the football fever in the same way that Kadarius Toney doesn’t. To celebrate the only holiday that has been properly integrated with the NFL (as all holidays should be), we have prepared a comprehensive list informing all NFL teams of what they have to be grateful for during this crucial turning point of the season.
Arizona Cardinals: Thankful for the Carolina Panthers, for making Arizona a top-31 team in the NFL.
Atlanta Falcons: Thankful for 28-3 memes, because nothing builds character quite like a constant reminder of past shortcomings.
Baltimore Ravens: Grateful for Edgar Allan Poe, because without him, they might have been stuck with the runner-up mascot of choice, the “Baltimore Bunnies”.
Buffalo Bills: Thankful for a special teams coach who gets all 12 guys fired up for field goal block assignment.
Carolina Panthers: Thankful for alumni like Greg Olson doing great work up in the booth, and for alumni like Steve Smith, who are doing… something.
Chicago Bears: Thankful for Justin Fields, for being the Team’s best running back since Matt Forte.
Cincinnati Bengals: Grateful to be the only team in the division to be named after something cool.
Cleveland Browns: Thankful for anger management classes, which have severely limited the number of Myles Garrett helmet clobberings this year.
Dallas Cowboys: Grateful to play on Thanksgiving and therefore not have to attend the Jerry Jones’ dinner party.
Denver Broncos: Thankful for the Colorado Rockies making them not the worst team in Denver.
Detroit Lions: Grateful for an abundance of local masonry workers, tirelessly repairing brick walls after Dan Campbell’s players keep running through them.
Green Bay Packers: Thankful to have almost no chance of playing February, thereby saving all of us from a tidal wave of dumb jokes about Jordan Love on Valentine’s Day.
Houston Texans: Grateful that they drafted CJ Stroud before they had a chance to watch his warm-up routine.
Indianapolis Colts: Thankful for the Indy 500, ensuring that they're not the only ones in town going around in circles constantly.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Thankful for the people of London, who have probably seen more Jaguar’s football than the people of Jacksonville.
Kansas City Chiefs: Thankful that all of their players are low-key, down to earth individuals without big complicated off-the-field relationships and interpersonal drama.
Las Vegas Raiders: Thankful for all the fans of the opposing teams, who travel so far to help fill out that big stadium.
Los Angeles Chargers: Thankful to have a new, talented, quarterback who can produce the same results as Philip Rivers.
Los Angeles Rams: Grateful for LA traffic jams, giving fans plenty of time to listen to radio hosts discuss how they managed to lose each week.
Miami Dolphins: Thankful for Gen-Z, working tirelessly to translate what Coach McDaniel says to the rest of the population.
Minnesota Vikings: Thankful for Josh Dobbs showing Kirk Cousins that playing QB really is rocket science.
New England Patriots: Thankful for a deep archive of NFL Films, Tom Brady Thirty for Thirties, and piles of record books, so they can always reminisce about their dynasty years.
New Orleans Saints: Grateful to be in a division where .500 football is playoff football.
New York Giants: Thankful to Eli Manning for those few, good distant memories.
New York Jets: Thankful for the promised messiah Aaron Rodgers, who will one day return to lead them to a respectable 7 wins.
Philadelphia Eagles: Thankful for large fullback hands which can exert an astounding amount of pressure on a grown man’s buttocks.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Appreciative of Will. I. Am. to take time out of his busy schedule to coach them.
San Francisco 49ers: Grateful to Ed McCaffrey for procreating.
Seattle Seahawks: Thankful Wrigley Juicy Fruit for sponsoring Pete Caroll.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Thankful for pirate lore, because it gives their team an excuse to say "Arrrgh" after a bad play.
Tennessee Titans: Grateful to no longer be named “The Oilers” due to modern fracking concerns.
Washington Commanders: Thankful for DC leadership making Commander’s leadership look surprisingly competent.