11:00 AM - TUESDAY
Joe Flacco, the new Cleveland Browns’ quarterback, has made some bold statements which are raising eyebrows. After joining the Cleveland Browns and being thrust into the starting lineup mid-season, Flacco started making outrageous claims about previously winning a superbowl.
Browns players, who are generally unaware what success in the NFL looks like, were immediately skeptical when Flacco first recounted his supposed championship run. Wide receiver Amari Cooper actually laughed straight into Flacco’s face, accidentally spitting his white-chocolate mocha all over Flacco and his fake-suede jacket.
Flacco, undeterred by the dubious looks from his colleagues, attempted to regale the Browns locker room with tales of his heroic performance in the big game. "It was great guys. It was against Jim Harbaugh and the 49ers, and they called it the ‘Har-bowl’... get it?," Flacco chuckled but was only met with blank stares and awkward coughs. “No, it really happened! The power went out in the stadium! And Beyonce was there!”
Defensive tackle Myles Garrett, known for his menacing on-field presence, couldn't resist a sly smirk as he patted Joe on the top of the head, "Don’t worry, I believe in visualization as well. If we don't keep dreaming, how will we make our dreams come true?”
Flacco's struggles continued on the practice field, where he attempted to demonstrate his championship-winning techniques. Unfortunately, he was forced into a scramble drill where he had to use his mobility, which witnesses described as remarkably similar to a statue sinking in quicksand.
As the skepticism surrounding Flacco's Super Bowl claims grew, the team's coach stepped in to mediate. "Let's give Joe the benefit of the doubt, guys. After all, we are the Browns. We're not exactly experts on winning," the coach declared, attempting to salvage the quarterback's credibility.
In a final attempt at persuasion, Flacco resorted to showing off his Super Bowl ring as irrefutable evidence. However, Kareem Hunt promptly took the ring off Flacco’s hand and swallowed it whole, therefore removing any evidence he had.
“I feel bad for the guy,” said one unnamed Browns player, “I really think he believes it. His time in Denver was probably harder on him than most people realize.”
Other dubious claims from Flacco included being named Fanatics “Most Attractive Player” and that Colin Kaepernick was playing quarterback for a real NFL team.
In conclusion, Occam’s razor continues to be a prudent tool to employ.