FRIDAY - 10:00 AM
As college football’s finest descended on Indianapolis to demonstrate their athletic ability at the NFL Combine, many players were shocked to discover some unexpected new events.
The NFL’s famous “Underwear Olympics” has grown in the last few decades from a pointless collection of performance information, to a prime-time media spectacle. In keeping with the evolution of the product, the NFL has expanded the event to include what they are calling “elegance” categories.
“We want to evaluate players for more than just their physical fitness,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, “the new events are meant to see how a prospect can carry themselves with grace and poise. Sure, these guys can all run and kick or whatever, but do they have what it takes to be a star?” He admitted later that the change was mostly motivated by his third re-watch of the series Project Runway.
After many pointless running and jumping sessions were held, the real event began with a singing category hosted by Simon Cowell.
“It’s hard because I didn’t train for this,” said a visibly nervous Anthony Richardson, moments before he would take the stage to perform a hip-hop stylized version of Total Eclipse of the Heart. “They told me I would just need to run around and jump and stuff.”
Ultimately, Richardson’s performance was nuanced, but a little understated and flat, resulting in some highly critical remarks from Cowell, as well as guest judges Snoop Dogg and Snoopy the Dog. The Florida QB was later seen fighting back tears in the player locker rooms.
Sports Elaborated reporters caught up with Snoop Dogg after the performance:
“Sad that such a promising playa’ would throw it all away because he couldn’t be bothered to do a simple vocal warm up, man. Makes a brotha' wonder about the work ethic of these young men, yah feel me?” [expletives removed]
Unfortunately, Richardson’s story was not unique, and the first round of fashion walks did not see any improvement over the lackluster showing in the vocal category. None of the prospects could hold a confident gait for more than a few steps or even keep their posture on the turn around. The so-called “top prospects” demonstrated a dreadful lack of attitude and style, which was evident in the dismal response from the crowd.
It was not all bad, however. Georgia offensive lineman Brodrick Jones stole the show late in the evening with a breathtaking performance of My Heart Will Go On, followed by a sassy look on the runway the judges praised as a “modern take on uptown chic”. The 6’ 5” 310 pound tackle was described as “struttin’ like it ain’t nothin’” by Snoop Dogg and Cowell added that his voice "actually doesn't make me want to throw up for once”.
Jones told reporters later that he had received calls from every team with a top 10 pick after the performance. Now NFL scouts are expecting even more teams move up in the draft to grab this transcendent talent.